GAS CHAMBER

I'm only sending this to those I know are in favor of capital punishment.



Violence should have serious consequences, and the punishment should reflect the


crime.


The Arkansas Gas Chamber




Not a pretty way to die, but extremely effective.
Since this gas chamber was pressed into service... violent crime in Arkansas has


dropped 90%.

A marvelous answer..

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

.

.

.

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.

.

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...

..

..

Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

life's with an IT view..

Five Short Stories For Men

ONE 
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?." 
He said, "No, just taking a shit." 


TWO 
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me. 


THREE 
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'." 


FOUR 
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you." 


FIVE
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

The Blonde Handyman

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as ahandyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to thefront door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for herto do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder and anything else shemight need was in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard theconversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goesall the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "Youre finished already?" he asked."Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it twocoats."Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

GRANDPA AND THE IRS....

The  IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to  the IRS office.The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, 'Well, sir,  you have an extravagant lifestyle and nofull-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win moneygambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a  great gambler and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about ademonstration?'The  auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a  thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye.The auditor thinks a moment and  says, 'It's a bet.'Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw  drops.Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you  two thousand dollars that I can bite myother eye.'Now the auditor can tell Grandpa  isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa  removes his dentures and bites his good  eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he  has wagered and lost three grand, withGrandpa's  attorney as a witness. He starts to get  nervous.'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousanddollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into thatwastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.'The auditor, twice burned, is  cautious now but he looks carefully anddecides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so heagrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strainsmightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major lossinto a huge win.But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.'Are you  okay?' the auditor asks.'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'dbeen summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that hecould come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy aboutit!'I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

A fAscinatinG storY ..

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office.




The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.




She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.








They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.




And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.




The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."




The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.




We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.




The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.




The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.




********


"You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them." Malcolm Forbes


********

Cabbie..

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."

Warm up..;D

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Men will try EverythinG .....

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.


Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......................

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Bull and The Bear

 Once upon a time there lived a bear in a cave deep in the woods. Nearby was a meadow in which a farmer kept his cattle -- and one large, ferocious-looking bull. Each day the bear hid at the edge of the woods, watching the bull.

The bear was known as the strongest, most fierce creature for miles around. No other beast in the forest dared to tangle with him. As the bear watched the bull peacefully gazing, he wondered which one of them would win a test of strength. He thought about this for many days. Then one morning he decided to challenge the bull to a fight to the finish.


The bull had just chomped down on a fresh clump of clover when he looked up and saw the bear barreling across the meadow toward him. He stopped chewing. The red flag of danger popped up in his head. The bear skidded to a halt in front of him.

The bull lowered his head menacingly, his sharp horns aimed right for the bear's throat. For long moments they stood in place -- eyeball to eyeball -- neither one of them moving. Finally the bull grew tired of the stare-down and asked, "What do you want, Bear?"

"I want to fight you," growled the bear.
"Why?" asked the bull.

"Because, I want to prove that I am a stronger and better fighter than you are."

The bull laughed. "I thought you really wanted something. You can't possibly win against me. I have sharp horns that can cause terrible injuries."

"And my claws are sharp and quick," the bear shot back. "I have defeated many an enemy -- anyone who would harm my cubs or take away my mate. I am the king of the forest!"

"Then go back to the forest," the bull bluntly advised. "This is the meadow."

The bear blinked in surprise. "I beg your pardon..."

"I mean, what's the point of me fighting with you?" the bull asked. "What would that prove? We are not enemies. I have not harmed your cubs or taken your mate."

"It would prove that I am the strongest."

"Okay," said the bull, smiling. "I'll buy that. You are strongest. Now leave and let me graze in peace."

"Just one cotton-pickin' minute. What do you mean by that?" The bear raised a club-like paw. "I will tear you to shreds. Defend yourself."

"What you do is up to you," the bull answered calmly. "But if you do, what will all your friends -- the ones who are watching us right now -- think about you?"

"They will think that I am the strongest," yelled the frustrated bear.

"I don't think so. I do not choose to fight you just because you choose to fight with me. I would only fight to defend one of the cows in my care. If you attack one of them, then I'd be obliged to give you a good lashing."

"I can't attack them," protested the bear. "They can't fight back. There would be no victory to it."

"Exactly," answered the bull. "But what if you did? And what if I should try to defend them? What if something should happen to me? Who would protect them then? You? Would you trust me to protect your cubs if something happened to you? What would happen to your family if you lose the fight?"

"I never thought of that," said the bear.

"Go back into the woods, Bear," said the bull as he turned to walk away. "Live in peace. And I will stay in the meadow and do the same."

The bear turned toward the woods. He had come spoiling for a fight -- to prove which one was the strongest.

But he had learned an important lesson from a very wise bull. In peace, there are no losers.

What is love..??

A student asks a teacher, “What is love?”
The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick.”
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, “…this is love… you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.

A student asks a teacher, “What is love?”
The teacher said, “in order to answer your question, go to the wheat
field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.
But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back
to pick.”
The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,
but he wonders….may be there is a bigger one later.
Then he saw another bigger one… but may be there is an even bigger
one waiting for him.
Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he starts to
realise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he
knew he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.
So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teacher
told him, “…this is love… you keep looking for better ones, but
when later you realise, you have already missed the person.